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| We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. |
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| Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists. |
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| The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish. |
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| Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV. |
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| Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face. |
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| Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile. |
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| Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on. |
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| When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. |
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| Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. |
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| Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting. |
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| If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. |
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| Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. |
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| Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states. |
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| A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay. |
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| They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody. |
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| Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo. |
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| Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. |
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| "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot. |
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| Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. |
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| After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?" |
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| Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. |
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| When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help. |
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| There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. |
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| Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris. |
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| The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. |
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| Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. |
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| Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. |
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| Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked. |
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| The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher. |
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| Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. |
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| Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf. |
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| The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close. |
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| Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota. |
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| Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is. |
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| TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. |
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| "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song. |
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| Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. |
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| Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires. |
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| When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. |
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| Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims. |
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| In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard. |
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| They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them. |
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| There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris. |
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| Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives. |
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| Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer. |
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| Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face. |
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| Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does. |
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| The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter. |
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| Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. |
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| The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris. |
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