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| Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. |
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| He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies. | |
| Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. | |
| Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma. | |
| Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card. | |
| People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident. | |
| Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later. | |
| When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris. | |
| Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. | |
| Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. | |
| Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes. | |
| Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face. | |
| Dinosaurs went extinct because they heard Chuck Norris was coming. | |
| People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris | |
| Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder. | |
| Lightning never strikes twice in one place. Chuck Norris wont let it. | |
| In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. | |
| Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete. | |
| The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 miles away | |
| Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time. | |
| There is no Control (Ctrl) button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. | |
| Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox. | |
| There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris. | |
| Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris. | |
| Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down. | |
| Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. | |
| The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris. | |
| You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris. | |
| Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas". | |
| Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow. | |
| Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about! | |
| Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own. | |
| Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit. | |
| Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius. | |
| The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat. | |
| The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard. | |
| When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. | |
| In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device. | |
| When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to rise above the horizon. | |
| Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents. | |
| Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years. | |
| When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg. | |
| Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child. | |
| Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds. | |
| Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter. | |
| The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second. | |
| Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident. | |
| Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire. | |
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| Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 39 seconds. | |
| Chuck Norris makes onions cry!!! | |
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